Thank God They Do
by LotusLines
Summary: Santana can't seem to shake her feelings for Brittany, no matter how many experimenting college girls she sleeps with. Canon set between 4x4 and 4x6. Brittana. Oneshot.


Santana's eyes slowly opened, her grogginess overcoming the quiet alarm that buzzed next to her ear. On instinct, she reached over to turn it off and go back to sleep, but a groan next to her woke her to her current situation. She slid the dismiss on the alarm and took a cautious glance to her side, a steadily rising chest meeting her gaze.

' _Who is this again?'_ She thought to herself as she stared at the tan face in front of her. She shook her head slightly and made a move to get up as quickly and silently as possible. ' _You know what, I don't even care…'_

She looked around the dorm room for her clothes and anything else she might have forgotten, finding them strewn across the floor, she sighed.

' _I should really make it a habit to pile it next to the bed.'_ Gingerly, she began to collect them and put them on before another more conscious groan startled her from behind. 'Fucckk.'

"Leaving so soon?" the sleepy voice came from the undressed girl on the bed, and Santana cursed her inability to dress more quietly.

"Yeah." She replied not bothering to look at the girl whose name she still couldn't recall.

The girl's brown eyes bored into her back making it slightly more uncomfortable, "Look, you can stop staring at me like you expect something from me, we both know you're obviously straight in case last night didn't prove it to you."

She laughed awkwardly obviously taken aback by the Latina's attitude, "Well, we had fun at least, right?"

Finally fully dressed Santana turned around to face the girl on the bed, and got a familiar, but long forgotten sinking feeling in her stomach. She breathed a little more carefully, and broke the eye contact she regretted making, "Yeah, it was fun, I guess. Listen I'm gonna go, if you're ever up for _experimenting_ again, you can find me."

With that, she escaped making sure to not look back, for fear of the emptiness in her stomach returning full force. About halfway to the elevator the effects of last night started to return, the disgusting taste in her mouth from too many mixes of alcohol mixing with the jump her stomach had made in the room. The combination making it harder to keep in the rising bile in her throat. She sped to make a beeline for the community restroom to her left and slammed open the entrance and the stall door.

' _Shit, this is fucking disgusting.'_ She winced using all her power to get up from the ground and flush the toilet. Approaching the mirror she tried to avoid her reflection knowing the result would not be pretty. Yet her eyes couldn't manage to not glance in the direction, and she saw exactly what she had already known. Her eyes were red, cheeks sunken showcasing the emptiness in her stomach. Her features haggard with distinct unrest and dissatisfaction, probably mimicking the evident feeling in her chest. ' _Pathetic.'_

She scoffed at her reflection and swished water around in her mouth, spitting it out with contempt until she felt a little better. She threw some water at her face before dispensing a paper towel to dry off, and staggering out of the bathroom.

A buzz went off in her purse, and she gave a frustrated sigh before hitting the elevator button and fishing around for her phone. A grimace crossed her features as she saw the name, ' _Alecia. Another girl I really don't want to deal with right now.'_ Clicking the message made her feel even worse about the situation.

 _Hey, Santana, I think that we should talk. Can I meet you in your dorm around 12?_

 _'No.'_ Santana's immediate reaction made its way along the reply line, before sending it without a second thought. ' _She really thinks I want to talk to her after she tried to bring up feelings?'_ She scoffed mirthlessly. Another buzz shook her hand as she exited the elevator doors to the lobby.

 _Please..?_

Santana sighed, and and rolled her eyes, ' _Please, really?'_ She thought frustrated, _Fine._

 _'Short and to the point, maybe she'll realize how much of a favor I'm gracing her with.'_ She mused with a smirk before catching her reflection in the mirror once more, ending her amusement immediately. ' _By trying to keep her as far away from me as possible.'_

 _—_

Upon entering her dorm, she realized how much she cursed waking up at 7 on a Saturday just to leave whatever girl's dorm she had found herself in at the end of the night. College parties really were a hassle, but it was also the only time she could forget about Lima. Well, Lima and Brittany.

Santana's head shook instantly, ' _I'm not doing that again.'_ Her mind stopped wandering as soon as her head hit her bed's pillow, falling back asleep minutes later.

Once her dreams began to form in her unconscious state there was a strong dread that filled her being. Lima, Brittany, the break up, _her crying,_ they all refurnished in her mind. Santana missed her, _God,_ she missed her, but the only fair thing to do was to break up. When something isn't working there isn't anything you can do, you just have to let it go and hope. At least that's what she believed at the time.

The time apart was worse than before, in place of the loneliness she had felt before all she could muster was despair. Regret pooled in her stomach and exploded in her chest as soon as she had returned to Louisville. To numb it she started getting drunk as often as possible, parties, bars, anywhere there was alcohol and when she did there usually was a curious college student who, upon hearing she was a lesbian, always 'just wanted to try something.'

Santana didn't mind, and she never went out of her way to look for them, but experimenting college girls started to flock to her, and they were nice and smiled in a way that Santana couldn't help but appreciate. But that's always all they were, they never felt any real connection (besides Alecia, apparently) and they always told her that they probably weren't gay, though. Which was perfectly fine for her, because in the end she couldn't shake the resounding feeling that burned a hole in her chest.

She still loved Brittany.

A knock echoed through the room startling Santana awake. Still feeling tired, she knew no amount of sleep was gonna shake this feeling. She approached the door and opened it slightly before rolling her eyes at the girl in front of her.

"Can I come in?" Alecia said, a cautious look on her face.

Santana turned to see her roommates had already left and shrugged her shoulders as she opened the door for the girl.

Slightly taller, Alecia met her with striking green eyes and slightly curly brown hair. ' _She really is pretty.'_ Santana couldn't help but think as she shut the door behind them

"What do you want, Alecia?"

"I want to know why you've been ignoring me." She said straight-forward, her resolve ripping through the tense atmosphere in the room.

"Because you're confused." Santana replied with an unwavering tone, refusing to bow to Alecia apparent assured nature.

"I'm not confused, Santana, I've been with guys, and now I've been with you and I'm sure that I am at least Bi. Don't just decide my sexuality for yourself." She replied with a curt attitude, obviously annoyed by my refusal to acknowledge her.

' _That's not even the problem.'_ Santana thought with annoyance.

"I'm not saying you're confused about your sexuality, I'm saying you're confused about me. I don't want to be in a relationship with you, I don't want to hold hands, and kiss in hallways, and go on dates, or any of that shit. What I want is for you to forget about me and go out into the world, and figure that all out somewhere else, because I'm definitely not your girl for that."

Alecia's features started to contort with confusion and sadness, Santana's dream coming back full force as the expression shone with familiarity. ' _Damn it, why can't she just leave?'_ The annoyance transforming into pure untamed irritation.

"Look, you may think you have this idea of me and who I am or whatever, but that's not it. I'm not some tortured soul that you've been put on this planet to heal and nurture, or your one way, all-expenses paid guide into the sapphic empire. I'm just a lesbian who was trying to get laid on a Friday night." she plastered her best bitch face on to try to deter the girl from her further but it just made Alecia look closer to crying than leaving.

"Okay, Santana." She took a deep, shaky breath, trying her best to steady herself, but all Santana could focus on was the memory of Brittany that was clawing into her head. "I get that you're a bitch and it didn't mean anything, but it doesn't change the fact that I really like you."

' _I knew fucking someone I actually used to speak with would end badly.'_ she thought getting angry at her own mistakes.

"Alright, but I don't return your feelings, and don't worry, you'll get over me. I'm a bitch, I'm selfish, I never consider how my actions are gonna effect anyone else, I'm not good for you, and we would never work out."

Alecia's eyes started to fill with tears as Santana continued, "I can't-wouldn't be able to be there for you, you wouldn't be getting what you really need from a relationship with me." she turned around as she kept speaking, "Believe me, I should never be anyone's first choice. I wouldn't even be mine…"

She could feel Alecia approach her from behind, but she stepped further away to prevent the girl touching her feeling her shoulders begin to shake, "Just try to find someone who can give you everything, just understand that I could try my best, and it still won't work, I can't-" Tears welled and fell from Santana's eyes, "I can't be with you, Brittany."

The slip made Santana freeze, the atmosphere getting impossibly more dense and the silence only being accompanied by her unsteady breath. Santana turned slightly back to Alecia trying to determine her next move, but the girl was only looking down her cheeks red and stained slightly with mascara.

"I understand." was all Alecia responded, as she hurriedly left the room.

Santana watched her as an unexplainable rage filled her again, she hit the wall hard only serving to hurt her hand in the process and the dread that had filled her up in her dream came back multiplied.

"Fuck!" She exclaimed, ignoring the throbbing on her knuckles. ' _I'm not allowed to fucking miss her if I was the one who ended it.'_ She collapsed onto her bed, distraught. _'I can't do this.'_

The sound of her phone buzzing alarmed her from her stupor, _'What now?'_ She grudgingly clicked her phone on to see Finn's name across the screen, and got a confused expression on her face.

 _Hey, Santana, it would be really great if you could maybe come back to McKinley to play Rizzo in the school play? Sue's throwing a fit, and I don't really want to anger her more by ignoring her demands._

Santana stared at the phone for awhile longer her mind set, ' _Brittany.'_

 _Sure._

 ** _AN: Sorry, if it cuts off abruptly, this idea was keeping me up when I suddenly woke up in the morning. And just in case anyone's confused, the title refers to Santana's reply to Quinn when she to talked about girls experimenting in college._**


End file.
